I can't sleep. I can't stop counting down the days that I would have still had with you last year. I can't stop thinking about the things I should have said, the things we should have done. I can't stop thinking that I should never have listened to your reluctance to go to the doctor. I should have dragged you there, I knew something was wrong, that is why every day I needed to know you were ok. I am frightened. Mortality seems such a fragile thing now. I realise that anger, and petty little things are such a waste of time. I am not sure how to get through each day. I am trying. I am trying not to let myself slip into a drunken haze, even though sometimes it feels it would be easier to do so. Things would hurt less. Reality wouldn't seem so harsh. BUT! I want to be a good mum, a better mum than I have been. I don't want my babies to know that I am struggling. Harvey is still missing you know daddy. He misses you so much. Lucy seems to be thinking about you increasingly lately too. She is cuddling her 'Cuddles', the teddy she opened the day she stayed at yours over valentines day. She is keeping her memories of her time with you safe. I have got some chinese lanterns, we will be letting them go on the fateful day. Make sure you catch them, they have our love inside. Every day I wake up and think of you. I love you. You have left such a huge hole in my life. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx